In view of Trump’s recent tirades on both his press conference as well as the rally in Florida, I decided that our Sunday recipe should be devoted to him. That’s clearly what he wants, anyway: things to be devoted to him. I guess it’s all about knowing your audience…
- Unending adulation. Be sure not to skimp on this. As most incurable Narcissists, President Cheeto really doesn’t cope with negativity directed his way. He wishes for admiration, and that’s that.
- Total agreement. The press says that what Trump truly values in his staff is unshakable loyalty, but I’m going to have to argue the nuance on this one. I bear unshakable loyalty towards my family and certain friends, but that doesn’t make me stupid or blind. If my niece lied to the entire country, I’d call her on it. That’s what it means to be loyal. You stick by them even when they screw up–when you admit that they screwed up. Trump just doesn’t want people who’ll tell him when he’s doing something wrong. He’s surrounded himself with “Yes” men. There’s no one to stop him or at least argue with him.
- No immigrants, unless they’re rich. Despite his own family’s immigration status, Trump really doesn’t understand or even want to understand that other cultures exist and that members from those cultures might want to enter the U.S. and enrich our already diversified, beautiful population. As a privileged, white male, he bears no empathy for poorer folks just trying for a better life for themselves and their children. It’s only the businessmen and the models that he gets.
- Lots and lots of attacks made via “radical Islamic terrorists.” If such terrorists started to attack Americans right now, he’d be thrilled. The more he could cite just how right he was in instituting a Muslim ban and instilling fear into white Americans, the happier he’d be. Fear of being forgotten and of the remote chance of being attacked by immigrants is what got him elected. So, clearly, he wants more of that.
- A never-ending election. He likes seeing that adulation firsthand. Talking to the press means that he has to answer for his actions. Nobody likes that. In a rally, he only has to preach to his own psychotic choir. Besides, policy is hard. It was the election he found fun.
- Hot women, and hot women only. Also, no lesbians. He’s only interested in those women that would reciprocate in a little pussy-grabbing from his own tiny hands. Oh, and these women shouldn’t be too smart, as intelligence intimidates him. It must kill him that Melania has a brain.
- A press that only asks him easy questions that portray him in a good light. Because gods forbid the media asks him questions that actually mean anything. Even when he admits that their sources are reliable and the facts are real, he tells the media right to their face that they’re dishonest. Um…shouldn’t we want reporters to do their jobs? God knows they didn’t pull their punches with Obama. I’m also really uncomfortable that calling the media “fake” or “dishonest” is pretty much Step 1 in the dictator’s handbook. Can we talk about that?
- Democrats to remain the minority in both the House of Representatives and the Senate. With Democrats out of the way, the dickless Republicans can sit out their civic duties with minimal consequences. They certainly don’t care about their constituents more than their own agenda. They’ve got a Republican in the White House, and they’re busy passing their own legislation even as they placate the asshole in the ill-fitting suit. More Democrats would put a halt to their shenanigans.
- An easing-up of incest laws. We all know he wants to sleep with his daughter, Ivanka.
- Lots and lost of travel expenses. That’s right, taxpayers (a group which doesn’t include Trump). We’re paying for all the security around his wife and kids, and they keep traveling everywhere. Plus, Trump keeps forcing the Secret Service to rent out apartments in Trump Tower as well as seats on his plane, since he doesn’t want to use Air Force One. They’ve already cost us millions of dollars, and we haven’t even hit the end of the first month yet.
- No people of color…or, at the very least, only people of color who sit down and shut up. Lacking basic empathy, Trump’s head hurts having to hear about things like racism and wage gaps. Having to talk about such things as president truly upsets him. He’d prefer all non-white people to just sit out his term as president.
Once all these ingredients are gathered together, Trump will have everything he’s ever wanted.
Let’s just hope that the 61 million plus people who voted for him will get everything they wanted, too.
The rest of us sure haven’t.