So, after surviving 100 days and the longest presidential campaign known to the United States, I’d say we’ve learned a few things about Trump. He’s petty, vindictive, forgetful, and weirdly inarticulate for a dude with a B.A. in economics. More than anything, though, he’s very easy to set off. Protestors, celebrities, politicians, and reporters have all stumbled across topics that seriously set him off. You can tell because he tweets his feelings. The more he overreacts or harps on about a particular issue, the more you just know he’s pissed. It’s a beautiful thing.
In honor of our Commander-in-Chief’s overly sensitive nature, I have compiled a list. Here are all the little or not-so-little subjects that just stick in our orange leader’s stupid craw. Enjoy.
- Hillary Clinton won the popular vote. This pisses him off so much that he still brings it up nearly six months after the election ended. He even made up a voter fraud scandal to place Hillary Clinton’s votes under scrutiny. It doesn’t matter that he won the electoral college, which in turn won him the presidency. Such facts don’t make a difference to him, as winning means so much more than actually running the country. It’s really all about the win. In a delicious twist, Hillary Clinton taunted President Cheeto just this week in an interview at the Women for Women International Luncheon. “Remember,” Clinton said, I did win by more than 3 million votes than my opponent.” She’s noticed how much this fact drives him up the wall, too. I wonder what Trump will be tweeting about at 3 a.m. now.
- The size of his inaugural crowd as it compares to Barack Obama’s. Yes, this is still a thing. President Cheeto’s inaugural crowd was a perfectly respectable size. Some people actually wanted to see him take the oath of office. For some reason. However, side by side photographs of both crowds easily disprove Trump’s claim that he had the biggest crowd of any presidential inauguration ever. What a dumb lie.
- His small hands. This is an observation that’s dogged him since the 1980s, and he’s still affected by it. So, go us.
- The fact that Ivanka is his daughter. On multiple occasions through frequently very public stages, Trump has mentioned how much he would have liked to date Ivanka if she weren’t his daughter. It’s gross and disturbing, but it’s also clear that Donald Trump finds his daughter very attractive. His greatest regret seems to stem from those pesky incest laws. Ew.
- How so few celebrities like him. For his inauguration, Trump reportedly asked big named celebrities who turned him down flat. Celebrities such as Elton John and Rebecca Ferguson turned him down flat. The actual inauguration turned out to be, by all accounts, insanely dull. Actors won’t give him the time of day, either. As Trump clearly loves the spotlight and nothing ensures that like hanging out with talented celebrities, their obvious disdain bothers him.
- How so few world leaders like him. Since becoming president, Trump has met with leaders from Germany, Canada, Japan, and China. He’s spoken on the phone with many other leaders. Other than dictators, these world leaders tend to treat him politely in an effort to avoid any world wars, but you can tell his lack of political knowledge gives them physical pain. It doesn’t help that Trump can’t measure up to any of these other world leaders in terms of intelligence, presence, dress sense, or civility. Justin Trudeau of Canada particularly outshined Trump during the state visit–Trudeau really does have some beautiful humanitarian policies as well as blue eyes so flawless you find yourself irretrievably mesmerized by them.
- Questioning his troubling love of dictators. This is a thing. God help us. Trump loves complimenting dictators like Vladimir Putin of Russia, Bashar al-Assad of Syria, and Kim Jong Un of North Korea. Absolute power fascinates Trump. We should question his unneeded praise of authoritarians.
- Having to work for anything. There’s a reason he’s always taking vacations. And why he kept overextending his businesses in the 90s to the point he had to keep declaring bankruptcy. Buying businesses is easy; it’s making them profitable that proves tricky. Becoming a reality TV star saved him, and that’s not really work when all you do is sit there and get praised.
- Having to learn or think. He hates that. He really does.
- Protests. We snowflakes are constantly hitting the streets, the airports, and our state capital buildings with grammatically correct posters. He just can’t compete with that with his own followers. So, Trump does what he always does when someone threatens his thing grasp of reality. (Remember, in his reality, Trump is loved by all.) He throws out unsubstantiated claims that we’re all paid protesters and throws little hissies on twitter.
- Having his own words quoted back to him. Fact-checking is the bane of his existence. This is the real reason he hates reporters. When doing their jobs, journalists are encouraged–nay, expected–to check the validity of the President’s claims. When a president spouts dumb, easily disprovable shit like having achieved the biggest electoral win ever or how the travel ban isn’t a ban, it’s up to the journalists to remind him of reality. Reality and Trump have never been friends. If Trump ever accepted reality, he’d finally see that he’s an old, senile, racist, sexist, incoherent, stupid failure of a businessman who should have left politics well enough alone. Because he will be impeached. Judging by all the lawsuits his conflicts of interest have spawned, Trump’s businesses probably won’t survive the onslaught either. Pretty hefty price for a guy to get adulation at rallies.
- Any criticism at all, really.
So, what’s the point of this list? It’s a guideline. These are all the things that drive our current president crazier than he already is. It’s what causes him to lash out at reporters, tweet like every insecure troll before him, and not accomplish anything on his presidential agenda.
You get what I’m saying here, don’t you? The more we piss him off, the less likely he’ll ever build a wall, ban Muslims, deport all our immigrants, or destroy our environment. We need to make this our priority–go out and protest, tweet about his small hands, and fact check every lying word that flies out of that fish-like hole he calls a mouth. It’s the only way we’ll get through this travesty of a presidency.