So, today is Father’s Day. I spent pretty much this whole weekend selling Father’s Day cards at Safeway (my new summer job), which would have been a lot more fun if my father wasn’t dead. It’s been a good decade since the idea of Father’s Day didn’t fill me with regret and despair. But I digress…
To all of President Cheeto’s children, let me wish you a happy Father’s Day. Today is the day when you can thank your father for all that he has done for you.
To Donald Trump, Jr., today is the day to remember that your father’s desire for power in the form of the United States Presidency will lead to your business’s ultimate doom. Your upcoming years are sure to be consumed with various lawsuits concerning your father’s conflicts of interest under the Emoluments Clause. This isn’t to mention the investigations concerning RICO, obstruction of justice, treason, and money laundering. May your lawyers prove bloodthirsty and worthy of their high salaries.
To Ivanka Trump, what the fuck? You’re even in the White House while all this shit is going on with your bogus “Assistant to the President” position, and your dad is still tweeting dumb statements involving words like “covfefe” and blaming Hillary Clinton for everything. Your dad signs executive orders like they’re going out of style (even they’re just memos in disguise) and offends every world leader he meets. This is the same father who marvels over your figure and makes entire rooms full of women uncomfortable. Why are you not stopping him? More importantly, why are you still supporting him? This is the same guy who bragged about assaulting women and spouts racist, violence-inducing declarations whenever he’s left by himself too long. It’s time to put a little distance between yourself and him.
To Eric…you know how every comedian makes fun of your relationship with your father? They mock your father’s lack of interest in your well-being, claiming that your dad forgets your name and avoids you like the plague. On some level, this joke probably feels somewhat true to you. Let me place your mind at ease on this score. Your dad really doesn’t care about you.
Tiffany: your mother Marla Maples really did you a solid when she took you to California upon your parents’ divorce. Maintaining emotional and professional distance from your father has granted you quite the low profile, considering your last name. Keep up the good work and send your mom some flowers, stat!
To Barron, keep your mom close. Moving into the White House is an event she has postponed for a reason. Watch your father for any sudden changes in behavior, shower your mom with loads of affection to remind her who the real love of her life is, and prepare to run for the hills. You’ll know when it’s time.
In one of the presidential debates, one of the audience members asked a pretty lame question in a vague effort to make Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump compliment each other. This guy wanted to know just what the two presidential candidates liked about one another. Hillary pointed out that Trump’s kids were all in attendance, as that says something about his role as a father.
To me, it says something about the control President Cheeto exercises over his offspring. I adored my father. In retrospect, he would have made a half-way decent president. For one thing, he was an environmental scientist. Climate change deniers would have been pissed with my Dad’s agenda. Even so, I wouldn’t have shown up to every event like the Trump kids do. I’m an adult. I have a life. The Trump kids have multiple businesses to run, yet they take the time to make every public appearance their father asks of them.
Suspicious. Even in their 30s, these Trump kids leap at their father’s command. It’s way disturbing. They really should rethink their priorities.
And maybe grow up in the process.
Picture from politico.com